Heartbreak

    Ok, honesty moment here. When I started this blog a few years ago I had no idea how bad I’d be at it. Not bad in the sense that my posts aren’t good (I love my topics and my writing style). But bad in the sense that my posts are so infrequent. Just like my journaling, my blogging leaves a lot to be desired in the amount of content. I am trying to get better at it. Hopefully that change will come sooner rather than later.

    Recently something happened that rocked  me to my core and made me think, hmm – maybe I should start blogging again. It IS a great way of expressing your feelings and releasing pent up emotions which is something I fail miserably at. I bottle up everything. I don’t want to be one of those people who randomly explodes over something seemingly trivial, so here I am back in the comfort of my blog.

    Sunday is my mother’s birthday. I LOVE birthdays and make as big a deal of them as I can. Planning activities to make the honoree smile is such a joy to me so my mother’s birthdays are always a big deal. This is the second birthday she’s not here to celebrate it. I was doing pretty well with that realization until I happened to be grocery shopping a few days ago and BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. Somehow i ended up in the greeting card aisle with a large display of birthday cards. My mother loved, cherished, and kept every card I ever bought her. The reality that I had no need for the “birthday cards for mom” section anymore absolutely crushed my spirit. Grief is funny like that. It sneaks up on you at the most unsuspecting moments and is absolutely relentless in its attack.

    I called my dearest friend/pseudo-Godmom because talking to her always lifts my spirits – only to be told that she has cancer. Another whammy. I was absolutely devastated.

    In less than two years I’ve lost an amazing childhood friend, my mom, and my mom’s two best friends (not to mention our musical giant Prince – aren’t we all still wearing purple and reeling from that?). I’ve seen friends (real and Facebook) travel down this same road as we all seem to be losing parents these days. I guess I’ve come to that “age” where this is just how life is right now. Let me tell you, it sucks.

    I feel like I’m in a never-ending season of grief. I don’t even feel like I’m moving through the phases. I’m just stuck somewhere between numbness and disbelief. They say give time .. time. But time won’t give ME time to catch up.

    So here I am. Thinking and writing. I have no solutions or real plan. I am, of course, praying for the best for my Godmother. I’m also stocked up with those self help/grief books to work through losing my mother. At some point I’ll make my way through them. As the second anniversary of her death approaches what I realize more than anything is you can’t plan grief. There is no timeline. You can be type-A planner extraordinaire (which I pretty much am) but this is so beyond any type of control. You just ride the wave, as long as it takes. This ain’t a fast process. It takes a long .. time.

      About Nadia Gilkes